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content/blog/2005-08-02-less-depressed-still-annoyed.md

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+---
+title: 'Less Depressed, Still Annoyed'
+date: '2005-08-02T16:54:20-04:00'
+permalink: /less-depressed-still-annoyed/
+tags:
+    - grousing
+    - life
+    - work
+---
+
+So I managed to knock two major items off the mile-long to-do list, and it’s an accomplishment in no small part because (1) these were the two things that I most dreaded doing, and (2) they were the most pressing things on the list. (1) + (2) = major guilt paralysis; my inability (or perhaps lack of desire, or flat-out refusal) to complete these two tasks prevented me from moving on to anything else on the list, because I knew that what I really *ought* to be working on were these two things, and if I wasn’t doing that…
+
+But: paralysis overcome. Mood improving, at least slightly. I still find myself pretty cheesed-off, however, at the fact that only *productivity* can make me feel any better. I mean, for god’s sake, I’m Catholic; how did I get saddled with such a heaping helping of the Protestant work ethic?
+
+And this brings me back to a chicken-or-egg conversation that my pal Tim and I had this weekend: are people with quality *x* (in this case, an over-developed work ethic and a sense of self much too bound up in accomplishment) drawn to the profession, or is that quality something that is produced in them *by* the profession? I suspect it’s a little of both: something in my goal-oriented nature drew me into grad school, and then that part of me got fed by the culture I found there. The end result is a severely stunted ability to be happy unless I feel like I’m accomplishing something.
+
+All this is part of my annual (or perhaps semi-annual; I’d have to check the archives to be sure, and frankly, I don’t really want to know how frequently this has come up) grousing about how tired I am of being unable to enjoy my *life* apart from my *work*. This is something I clearly need to work on, though, because while work can sustain me when it’s going well, I need another form of sustenance during the periods when it’s just not, when I just feel like chucking it all and running off to Tahiti…
+