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<h1 id="time-is-weird">Time Is Weird</h1>
<ul class="post-metadata">
<li><time datetime="2024-09-08">08 September 2024</time></li>
<li><a href="/tags/pondering/" class="post-tag">pondering</a></li>
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<p>There's this moment that happened a lot of years ago: I was walking through the living room of the apartment I was living in and the television was on playing god knows what, and something made me think, <em>you know, the next time I'm 25 --</em>, followed quickly by <em>you big dope, that's not going to happen...</em>, at which point I stopped dead and thought <em>you do realize that standing right here, right now, is the youngest you will ever be again... right?</em></p>
<p>All of that happened in a split second, but I stood there for a solid minute taking it in, my head more silent than it had ever been. I just kind of froze, simultaneously shocked by the obviousness of the thought and by the fact that even though I'd obviously <em>known</em> that all along, that time only moves in one direction, that we only ever get older, I hadn't really internalized it until that moment.</p>
<p>I was 34 then, which seems like it was yesterday. Except it was the fall of 2001, and I was on my pre-tenure sabbatical, trying like crazy to finish the manuscript of my first book. It was not long after 9/11, and I was still having a hard time getting my brain to wrap itself around any number of things -- what was happening in the world around us, what I was trying to argue in my book, what time even was.</p>
<p>I had cause to remember this moment earlier today. I'm 57 now, and there's some core part of me that is genuinely unsure how that happened. I can sit down and do the math and it all adds up, and yet it doesn't make sense to me at all -- <em>sense</em> in the same internal way as that moment of realizing that I was only ever going to get older.</p>
<p>I have all kinds of physical evidence of the passage of time, in my creaky knees, my worsening eyesight, my ever-slowing metabolism, but there's something in me that just doesn't want to believe that it's all a one-way trip, that I can't recover parts of who I was or some of the paths I didn't take.</p>
<p>Don't get me wrong: even if I could go back, I wouldn't -- I have enjoyed my life and my work more and more as time has gone on, and I'm happier than I've ever been. And that retirement thing -- not too many years into the future -- looks pretty sweet.</p>
<p>It's just funny how even after all these years, I can still get tripped up by the sadness of time, the stuff that gets left behind, the things that never quite manifest. Time may only move in one direction, but I still find myself needing to learn the same things over and over again.</p>
<ul class="links-nextprev"><li class="links-nextprev-prev">← Previous<br> <a href="/like-riding-a-bike/">Like Riding a Bike</a></li><li class="links-nextprev-next">Next →<br><a href="/passivity/">Passivity vs. Accountability</a></li>
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<time class="webmention__pubdate dt-published" datetime="2024-09-10T02:36:52+00:00">10 Sep 2024 - 02:36</time>
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@kfitz ????
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